Love You Can’t Say

I pursed my lips, “I had some lobsters. Leo bought them for me. There are still some leftover. Would you like to have some?”

Dennis looked at me, and gave me an irrelevant answer, “I’d rather devour you now.”

I was surprised. I was looking at him in a brief pause. Then I got up almost subconsciously and went into the bathroom.

The water coming out of the shower-head wasn’t warm yet, but I already stood under the shower and rinsed myself madly.

Dennis knocked on the door outside the bathroom. His voice was low but commanding, “Clara, come on out!”

I pursed my lips, still feeling uneasy in my heart. I took a deep breath, and squatted on the ground, with my body in my arms.

My tears were running down like a broken thread – I was broken and lost control of my feelings.

Perhaps after the last incident, he had changed the lock of the bathroom door in advance – Even when it was locked from the inside, he could open it from the outside.

He came in and turned the shower head off. He looked down at me, his eyes were red in worries.

I buried my head between my legs and said in desperation, “I can’t take it anymore – I can’t get over it, I just can’t! I can’t let go!”

Dennis squatted by my side, raised his hand to smooth my messy hair, and sighed slightly, “Clara, you can’t live in the past forever. Things don’t always go our way, either. But I am trying my best to build the life I want. Yes, bad things happen, and there will be hard feelings, or even worse, pains. But after we resolve those, we will be moving onto new chapters in life. You can do this – I have faith in you. Whatever you’ve been through, or what you’ve become, I love you and I will always do – Just be you, okay? We are in this together, we will move forward hand in hand.”

I looked at him, with my mouth open, but I couldn’t say a word.

After a while, Dennis finally pulled me up and wiped the water stains off me with a bath towel. He then took me out of the bathroom, placed me in bed, and comforted me, “Close your eyes and get some sleep, babe!”

He got up and went into the bathroom. After a while, there appeared the sound of water running in the bathroom. I lay in bed, unable to close my eyes.

I felt so painful inside my heart, as if there were countless riddled wounds after being stabbed.

They were all old wounds, and they cracked open again after I took a slight breath – A dense pain then immediately began spreading.

It wasn’t too late in night at the moment. Dennis came out of the shower and dried the water drips on him. He then lay in bed and started reading.

I had a hard time falling asleep, but didn’t want to do anything.

A while later, he put the book down and looked at me sideways, “What do you have in mind, babe?”

My eyes were wide open. I took a look at him and pursed my lips, “Dennis, you should find a time to remove it.”

He frowned, “What are you talking about?”

“I looked it up online – Wearing a ligature ring for too long isn’t good for your health. I don’t want you or your family to hate me for taking the chances away from you of having new babies. If Grandpa Freddy knew, he would hate me too!”

I knew he had done this for me. But it was such a high price. Even though our thinking was avant-garde, we still had to pass down the legacy of wealth and knowledge inherited from our elder generations. Most of the times, we couldn’t do things the way we had wished we would.

And to me, one of the ways to do so was through the continuation of life – Raising the next generation of our own would continue our culture and life. And it was meaningful to witness our children grow and mature.

Dennis raised his hand and pulled me close against his chest. The men’s body temperature was extraordinarily warm, and the scorching temperature was close to me, “Clara, stop worrying about that. We only have so much time and energy, and we should care for ourselves and the ones we hold dear first before we could look out for so many others. All you need to think about now is yourself. Having another baby can wait. Take care of your health first, okay?”

I pursed my lips, still feeling guilty. Lying in Dennis’s arms, my voice muffled, “I seem to have messed up my life and it’s getting more and more chaotic now.”

“I’ve got you, babe. Don’t worry about it. Things will get better soon, and there will be no chaos!” He put his arms around me, his voice was heart-warming – Everything seemed peaceful and perfect.

The whole night, he just hugged me and did nothing else.

The next day.

When I opened my eyes, it was still dark outside, and it was probably four or five in the morning.

Dennis was still fast asleep. I wanted to close my eyes and get some sleep, but somehow I couldn’t.

So I stared at the ceiling in a daze, but the pain on both sides of my head was like it was being pricked by needles.

I finally sat up from the bed. Dennis’s arms were around my waist, but his eyes were still closed – He seemed sleepy.

“What’s wrong, honey?”

He asked with his eyes closed, and his voice was low.

“Nothing. I am just going to the bathroom.” Saying so, I moved his hand from me gently, got out of bed. I went straight to the bathroom, and afterward, I went to drink a glass of water.

There was nothing wrong going on. I just couldn’t endure my insomnia anymore, so I simply rummaged on the bedside nightstand.

To help with my insomnia, the doctor prescribed some sleeping pills to me a while back.

“What are you looking for?” Dennis opened his eyes – His two black sparkled.

I pursed my lips and said, “Just looking for… Something stuff. Did I wake you?”

He shook his head, reached out his hand to pull me back in bed, “I threw those pills away. Mario says that you’d get dependent on the sleeping pills if you take too much. You can’t take them often.”

I mhmed. But between my brows it hurt so badly. I raised my hand and rubbed it, feeling extremely irritated, “Maybe just once? Please!”

Without the pills, I would break down. Every time I stayed up overnight, I would fail to control my emotions easily the very next day.

His eyes darkened, he stretched out his hand to hug me tighter, his thin lips fell on my eyes, and he kissed me lightly down.

Maybe because I had been staying up late, I stopped having breast milk since yesterday. I didn’t feel it at all.

Dennis noticed about this too. His voice was hoarse, “Let’s bring Clarie Bear over at night.”

I pursed my lips and subconsciously raised my hand to push him away, but he pulled me back.

This action was too…

He was laying in bed, looking at me with his alluring eyes, “Can I try?”

I…

My memory of that night was blank – I had no idea what had happened.

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Seeing that I went absent-minded, Dennis grabbed my hand and bit on it lightly, “What’s on your mind?”

I was a bit shocked, came back to my senses, and immediately pulled my hand back. My face was burning.

Thinking that he had just had an operation and the doctor ordered him not to exercise vigorously, I shook my head and said:

“I… I don’t want to!”

He froze in hesitation for a few seconds, and then he let go of me.

Dennis got up and went into the bathroom instead.

A series of his movements were exceptionally smooth.

I raised my eyes and looked outside, the sky was already bright. I sighed slightly, got up and went downstairs.

My head was still buzzing with pain, and if this continued, it would eventually drive me crazy.

The sitters were on a leave. Going downstairs, I went into the kitchen and looked in the refrigerator. It was packed with almost everything we needed.