Ex-Husband's Regret

Emma.

I remember the first time I saw Calvin. We were in high school, and he'd just transferred to our school on a scholarship. I was the welcoming committee chairlady, because come on, I was good at everything, and who wouldn't want to have me show them around? Who wouldn't want to see my face on their first day at a new school?

I am not bragging or anything, but I knew who I was and what I was worth. I was popular, head of the cheerleaders and a top performing student. I had everything going on for me. Wealth, beauty and brains. Most importantly, I was down to earth and so, I was well liked.

Of course, I was hated by some, namely Ava and other girls, but that was because I had something they knew they couldn't have. Rowan.

Every girl wanted him. It's no secret. Just like every guy except for Travis and Gabe wanted me. We made the perfect couple. We were not a couple by the time Calvin joined our school, but I wasn't worried. It was inevitable that we would end up together. It wasn't a matter of if, but of when.

So back to Calvin, I remember going to the principal's office to pick him up. When I saw him, I didn't think much of him. After all, he was not even close to my type. He was a nerd (not that I have anything against nerds), didn't know how to dress, and was so skinny that he kept pulling up his trousers because they kept falling. He had these huge, round, ugly glasses, and his face was covered with red pimples. The only good thing about him was that, unlike some of the nerds in our school, he knew what hygiene was.

As usual, just like what happened when boys met me for the first time, he was love-stricken and immediately had a crush on me. I wasn't bothered because, one, I was used to it, and two, I thought it would go away after some time. Only it didn't, and he soon became a nuisance, just like Ava.

Sometimes I wonder if things would have been easy if he and Ava had fallen for each other. Would they still be together? Would Rowan and I have continued strong? Would we have been happy?

I push those thoughts away because, at the end of the day, they don't matter. Rowan was right, regretting the past meant regretting Noah and Gunner. If things had gone differently, Noah and Gunner wouldn't be here.

Gunner, my heart aches when I think of him. I rub my heart, trying to ease the pain. I am a bad mother, the worst kind. I never held him when he was born. Nor did I get a first look like most mothers do. I hate myself for that. I hate myself for looking at him as a nuisance. Like a thing that stood in the way between Rowan and me.

I was stupid and selfish, and now I am paying the price. I could have been like Rowan. Rowan, who accepted responsibility. Rowan, who loved Noah even though he wasn't planned. Rowan, who became a really great father. At that time, he hated Ava, but instead of talking it out on Noah and treating him like shit, like I did with Gunner, he loved his son wholeheartedly. I was a monster, and I was starting to accept that.

"Are you okay?" Molly asks, pulling me from my thoughts.

Worry was written all over her face. They were all worried about me, but they shouldn't be. This was karma getting back at, after all, she was a fucking bitch.Content is property of NôvelDrama.Org.

Molly had come to town because she was worried about me. She said she couldn't help me when she was miles away, so she took a two-week leave, packed her suitcases, and flew here. "Yeah," I simply answered.

"You can't lie to me, Emma. I know you like the back of my hand. Now can we try that again?"

And she was right. No one knows me like she does. Not even my mother. She knows how I tick, how I react, and how I deal with heavy emotions. She knows me like she knows me better than she knows herself, and vice versa.

"If I'm being honest, I don't know. I don't know how I'm doing. I don't know if I am all right. I don't know if I'll ever get better. I just don't know. I feel numb. I feel lost. I feel like I'm drowning."

Everything was crashing into me all at once, and I didn't know what to do. How do I tell her that guilt is killing me? How do I tell her that regret is a constant companion? How the hell do I tell her that I am losing myself each and every day?

I treated Calvin and Gunner so horribly? How do I get back from that? How do I make amends for treating them like trash? I put them through so much shit because I was selfish, and I only thought about myself.

I fall on my bed, tiredly and allow the tears to flow.

I used to view Ava as the villain. As the evil monster that hurt and broke me without care. I promised myself that I would never be like her, but I became worse.

I hurt and broke Calvin and Gunner. Over and over without care. I ignored the pain in their eyes, every time I walked away. Every time I refused to acknowledge their suffering. Every time I ignored them like they didn't exist. I was worse than Ava because I was intentional, unlike Ava, who was drunk. I knew I was hurting them, but I continued doing it anyway.

"I feel like a monster. The world's nastiest bitch title should be given to me," I clutched my chest. Fuck, it hurts.

Ava was right. I fell. I was once someone people could look up to, but not anymore. How did I fall so low?

"What do I do, Molly?" I asked through my sobs. "How do I make things right?"

This is the one question I've been struggling with. When you've messed up so badly, how do you make things right? How do you redeem yourself?